I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
