The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
She's the barista slut.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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