So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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