Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
