What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
