I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Randomize