Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
it was like eating out sand paper
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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