He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
