1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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