Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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