I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize