guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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