I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
