shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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