I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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