I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
you made out with another girl for some wings
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
