Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
