so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
