Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
