i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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