I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
