She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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