Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
