why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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