My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
