We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I want her autograph on my taint
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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