if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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