The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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