Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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