Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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