Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
