About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
