Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
