some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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