i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
