i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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