I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
