Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Everclear isn't food dammit
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
