I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
