is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
did i walk over a car last night?
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I need to calm my uterus...
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
