Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Sober January is a disaster.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
