First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
