I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
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