I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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