I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
