My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
