I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
