This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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