i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
