I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
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