note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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