i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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