Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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