You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
