apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
