Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
