Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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