In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
