You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
