the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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