I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
